My Evil Master Plan

I Hate This Man

2011-06-04T01:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, each ad was mildly amusing but the first time I ever heard all three was while I was building an end cap. That was every three ads rotating constantly. For over an hour. The whistle alone now is enough to make me consider a murderous rampage. Worst side effect? I can't look at a picture of Hello Kitty without hearing this man's voice saying 'Hello, Kitty' in that faux sexy voice. AAARRRGH!!!!

Another Unfortunate Bike Name

2009-05-11T19:15:00.001-07:00

Now, is this a bike or a Seventies porn flick title? It could honestly work either way...

Tinkerbell

2009-05-04T04:23:00.001-07:00

It's probably just me, but I think if you even consider buying something with this label on it, it's a safe bet you already look like a fairy...

Political Incorrectness

2009-04-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

I believe the correct term these days is 'Chinese Americans'...

Workplace Honesty

2009-04-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

Can you read that? It's a note written on the top of a box of items we sell in the Electronics Department that are kept under lock and key. Monday a support manager found it opened with that written on it. The managers all got a good laugh that finally someone, somewhere was honest with them...

Greatest Passover Gifts Ever!

2009-03-31T04:23:00.000-07:00

First there's this:

Isn't that a riot? Even better is this:

They even have an explanation of what represents what:

There's even a special product for those of you into one plague specifically:

This is just way too funny! I guess retail has listened to people who say they commercialize Christmas too much, only instead of cutting back they decided to commercialize everyone's holidays. I can't wait to see what we get in for Ramadan this year...

Dirty Talk On Facebook

2009-03-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tell me that doesn't sound filthy...

...and unbelievably funny!

Management Manual

2009-03-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

We have a small selection, four feet to be precise, of educational workbooks in the Toys Department. I guess that makes up for the mind numbing and stupid things that fill all the other hundreds of feet of mind-numbingly dumb shit. Anyways, one came yesterday that's new and I am so dying to just leave a copy in one of the management offices:

So far I've resisted for thirty-six hours but I really think I'm giving in to temptation tomorrow...

I Started A New Blog

2009-03-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

I ever tell anyone I wrote two murder mysteries? Well, I did and since there's no way I'll ever get them published I decided to put them up chapter by chapter on a new blog. The story is called One Down, One To Go and it's the story of a man who knew he was adopted finding out he had a twin only after he's murdered and he has to pretend to be that twin and solve the murder or his life is over for real and so are the lives of a lot of people he loves!

Here's the link: http://1fown1togo.blogspot.com/

(Sorry. I am still HTML's bitch and you'll have to copy and paste the link into the browser's address window. Sorry!)

2009-03-04T03:10:00.000-08:00

You know that cutey pie series of super-hero figures, the Super-Hero Squad? Here's a bad pic of one of the new Wolverine related series...

Now here's a close up of the Blob picture on the box and look at his hand...

Dude is totally flipping us off. And it's not just me. I noticed it when hanging with the Hasbro vendor and she took a picture to so she could show her boss...

Awesome Names

2009-02-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

Saw this one while walking to the mall Saturday. See the first two names? Those two people literally had to go into business together. It's similar to my dream of seeing politician Bob Lord team up with someone with the name of larry Savior or something for a run at the White House...

Did I ever mention that I heard a Susan Scandal and a Doctor Love paged to our car section at work within minutes of each other? In my head, they met, fell in love, and hyphenated their surnames to be Love-Scandal...

Not Just Home Grown

2009-02-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently we aren't producing enough locally and the home office has to ship some extra in. Thanks, home office...

You Must Love This Or I Will Hate You

2009-02-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

The Pet Shop Boys with guest vocalists Brandon Flowers and Lady Gaga at the Brit Awards. It is awesome! I actually clapped at the end!

Adam And Steve's Hoedown Showdown

2009-02-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Please be cautioned that the word 'shit' appears A LOT in this song. The actual name of the song? Shit Happens. It's also a hoot and a holler even if you've never seen the very funny and excellent movie, Adam And Steve...

Guilty Post

2009-02-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

I hate being guilted about not having posted anything for some time and it's worse when the person doing it is that nagging little voice in your head. I guess I should be glad it's saying that and not to climb a water tower with a high powered rifle*. Anywho, here goes:

I bought this one before becoming Toy Department Manager at a Walmart Supercenter so I think of it as prophetic now.

Don't look at me. If you read the Bible you know it's quite true!

My life motto. I'm so sarcastic I can actually be sarcastic without being mean to anyone in particular!

Like you don't want to know this too!

Bought during a militant phase but I still giggle when I read it. Like a schoolgirl!

Every religion's credo boiled down to one button!

I think this a lot working in Scotsdale, AZ. Money really can't buy taste, can it?

Another militant one but I stand by it. And now for the truest one of all!

Creepy thought, isn't it? Almost as bad as the church being the bride of Christ analogy. Who else's mind went straight to the wedding night when they first heard it? Whose mind now will never stop going there when it's brought up? Heh heh heh...

PS To SallyP: yes, there's an Edit function but the stupid thing expects YOU to know what's wrong. What good is that? If I knew I screwed up then I wouldn't need the Edit function, now would I? And don't get me started on Spell Check on a post that contains HTML. I don't have all night to tell it to ignore code so a few misspellings are the price you have to pay!

*Great. I gave the little voice ideas. It'll probably come to nothing but just in case, I'll be avoiding water towers an High Powered Rifles R Us for a spell...

A Thank You To SallyP

2009-01-17T22:55:00.000-08:00

I just came from Green Lantern's Butt's Forever (http://green-lantern-butts-forever.blogspot.com/)and came away feeling so grateful. She was taking on another blogger who is one of the most childish I've ever seen when receiving criticism. I won't repeat it but SallyP echoed sentiments that I felt before having to stop visiting the ofeending blog in question. I was so thrilled to see a woman taking on this alleged feminist on her shit that I thought I'd post a thank you gift to the wonderful woman.

It's courtesy of this wonderful little site (http://obamiconme.pastemagazine.com/) and if you think the Hal pic turned out great you should see what I did to my immediate family, none of whom are Obama supporters at all. Heh heh heh...

BTW, anyone knowing what the JTML code is for putting links in a post or disguising them with other text is, please feel free to leave the how to in my comments. I am so HTML challenged it's unbelievable...

Cheap Laugh

2009-01-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

This one caught my eye last week:

It's some kind of Strawberry Shortcake doll. Which kind isn't important. What is important is that strawberry shortcake should not be made on angel food as its base but actually biscuit, allowing for all three parts of the treat to have their own distinctiveness. Further more, it's a sin against nature to have candied strawberries period. Strawberries are meant to be tart and-
Oh.
I digressed again, didn't I?

Anyways, here's what the little slogan says:

'I Drink & Wet'. Kinda obvious and kinda cause and effect there, ain't it? What's next? A doll that says 'I overindulge in alcohol & fall down'?

Bratz Theatre, Act Five: Ethan Upgrades

2009-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

You know what? The Bratz Boyz line included two different versions of Cameron and my Walmart carried both.

Here is the Bratz website's look at Cameron II and his official winter themed outfit. We'll be calling him Cam though to help differentiate them.

And here is Cam gayer than even the Bratz line'z creator could have made him! And now on with the next installment...

Cameron still hasn't gotten the message that he blew it with Dylan and he's with Cade now. Cade's all like 'Step back, man. he's with me now'.

Cameron tries again to re-hook up with Ethan but he's all like, 'No way, dude. You didn't tell me you were in a relationship and only came back 'cause he kicked you to the curb'.

What's left to do? How about lazing around drinking really gay green alcoholic beverages?

And this is where Ethan meets Cam!

Ethan either hasn't lost his free spirited ways, his love of being in love, or proves he's a big old slut.

And here we have Cam and Ethan heading off together. They're either gonna be getting bizzy (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) or go play cribbage somewhere. It all depends on your comfort levels! And please note Cameron's reaction in the background. I'm proud of that!

And here we have the group shot, everyone having gotten what they deserved in the game we call love!

The End?

Not quite! There's one more, really bizarre installment left and I'll leave you with one clue: Gay Russian Adoption!

No Joke Necessary

2008-12-31T19:20:00.001-08:00

My only question is how legal this is. Didn't my second favorite whacky intern get in trouble for organ trafficking on General Hospital: Night Shift?

Bratz Theatre, Act Four: Dylan Moves On

2008-12-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

The next Bratz Boyz doll I picked up was Cade. This is Cade as he was when I bought him:

And this is Cade once I got done with him!

And now on with the story!

As we can see, not only does Cameron want what he threw away but Dylan is still too proud to go back to Cheater McCheater!

Luckily I hear a little Cade is perfect for an ailing heart!

See?

Karma sucks, folks. Cameron finds out Dylan has found a better boyfriend pretty much the same way Dylan found out Cameron was stepping out with Ethan. And what about Ethan?

Cameron finds out that Ethan didn't care for Cameron trying to get back with Dylan while stringing him along.

So to review, it's good to be Dylan and it just generally sucks to be Cameron.

Stay tuned next time to find out if Ethan can do better than Cameron...

Andreea Balan: Baby, Get Up And Dance

2008-12-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

I just listened to this song three times in a row (twice was watching the video) and now I am 83% happier than I was before I started! I just listened to this song four times in a row (thrice was watching the video) and now I am 91% happier than I was before I started!

I Have No Clue What This Product Is

2008-12-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

I walk by this everyday in the back room at My Walmart* and it never fails to disgust me. Maybe one of these days I'll look to see what it is but it can't be anything good.

Notice how the only word legible is 'safe'? Yeah. Right.

Bratz Theatre, Act Three: Along Comes Ethan

2008-12-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've shown you what I've done with the first two Bratz Boyz dollz I bought. Can lightning strike thrice? Well, first let's start with a picture of Ethan 'straight' out of the box!

Ready for the even gayer version? No? Well too bad!

Hey, Cameron! I know you are seeing Dylan but what do you think of Ethan?

Oh, that's not good! It gets worse though! Cameron forgot Dylan was coming over after work:

Think Dylan will take it lying down?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

And so Dylan takes his leave of Cameron and Ethan, whom I don't believe are feeling quite as friskya s they were before he showed up!

Stay tuned for the next installment where we find out who Cameron finally chooses in the end and whether that guy really wants to be chosen!

PS: The bitch slap photo is my favorite of the entire series! There's one more coming in future installment that comes close but it's just one dumb fun pic!

Happy Dancers

2008-12-12T21:37:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Bratz Theatre, Act Two: Cameron Finds A Boyfriend

2008-12-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

That would be Dylan. Here's a pic of how Dylan looks 'straight' out of the box:

And here's how Dylan looked after I gayed him up a lot:

Unfortunately I forgot to take a solo pic of Dylan. Don't they make a cute couple?

Ahhh! But do they have what it takes to make a relationship work? I'll give you a hint: There are still three other Bratz Boys dolls that my Walmart carries. Anyone else see drama in the future?

Bratz Theatre

2008-12-05T18:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know I've been slacking off but I have a good reason, okay? I am department manager of Toys in a Walmart Super Center and it's Christmas time. Know anyone else that's going to be more overworked and tired right now? Maybe equally overworked and tired but I challenge you to find someone more so. Anywho, that's about to change and it's all with something I've been doing for a few months now.

Has anyone seen the Bratz Boyz line? I know we're all aware of the Bratz dolls, or as we like to call them at work Slutz, but few folks are aware of the Boyz line. Here are the official pictures of three of them from the Bratz official website. Cast a gander and then I'll explain what's what.

See anything that makes them different from Barbie's Ken? Look harder. I'd been seeing them every day since September '07 and I have never seen gayer looking dolls! Forget metrosexual, the makers of Bratz Boyz have ventured into full on homosexual! You may not want your daughters to get their body image or fashion sense from Bratz but you do want them dating boys like this! If they do, you know your little girl is going to come home in the same state she left home in. Well, maybe her hair will be highlighted but that's about it!

What does that have to do with my renewed posting you say? Easy. I finally gave in a few paychecks ago and bought one. And I made it look even gayer! I know, I know, hard to believe but I did it! I even took pictures. Then I bought another, gayed him up more too, and voila, we have boyfriends! 'Course then it snowballed and I kept buying more (there's five I know of available and I have all five) and with each new purchase there was more gaying up and more pictures in the scenario. Originally I just sent these things to my phone and showed friends but then I started having our Photo Lob at work start making prints and showing them around. Now acquaintances at work are coming up and asking to see them or friends bring friends over. One girl in Photo Lab keeps asking me if the new scenario is done yet!

So anyways, I've titled this series Bratz Theatre and have quite an adventure, which will culminate in a Russian Gay Adoption (not quite what you might picture!) once I figure out how to depict parts of it and after that it'll be recasting the Boyz in new parts. I even bought one of the Beach Party Ken dolls to add a little zest and I have an idea for a scenario involving maybe Barbie but definitely two of the Bratz themselves!

Now to begin, the before and after picture of the very first Bratz Boyz to come out of the clozet, Cameron!

This is the pic I took of him in the package and once I got done with him?

See? You can too gay up the Bratz Boyz even more. Stay tuned for next time when we meet Dylan and see what I did with him!

PS: SallyP and Sea_of_Green eat your hearts out!

I Might Change Headers

2008-11-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

But again I might not. There are two pictures I took this week at work that do seem like excellent choices for a new header:

This one was the title of a new book and screams 'baal' to me. Then there's always...

This one just screams 'Steve' tho', my given name. Any thoughts about which one suits me better? There's a poll now to the right...

The Phoenix Stargate

2008-11-13T16:43:00.000-08:00

Screw light rail! We have our own Chappa'ai! I don't know about you but as soon as I find the DHD I am out of here!

2008-11-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, there's this meme going around about movies and while I wasn't tagged I loved the idea. I can't do the explanation any better than sea of green so I'm cutting and pasting what she said...

"Fletch at Blog Cabins tagged Adam at Movie Chunks, who then tagged Rab at Estoreal with a meme asking people to list their favorite movies, A to Z. Rab posted his list and then sent out a plea for meme-tag volunteers -- so I decided, what the heck, I'll join in the fun. My list is posted at the end of this article. If anyone else would like to volunteer and post their own lists on their blogs, here are Fletch's rules:

"Pick your favorite film for each letter of the alphabet. Some will be tough because there are too many choices (R, S, T, L, N, E...), and others will be tough because there are so few choices that you have trouble finding much of anything (Q, anyone?). I'm sure I missed some great ones and I'm hoping that you find them.

1. Pick one film to represent each letter of the alphabet.

2. The letter 'A' and the word 'The' do not count as the beginning of a film's title, unless the film is simply titled A or The, and I don't know of any films with those titles.

3. Return of the Jedi belongs under 'R,' not 'S,' as in Star Wars Episode IV: Return of the Jedi. This rule applies to all films in the original Star Wars trilogy; all that followed start with 'S.' Similarly, Raiders of the Lost Ark belongs under 'R,' not 'I,' as in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Conversely, all films in the Lord of the Rings series belong under 'L,' and all films in the Chronicles of Narnia series belong under 'C,' as that's what those filmmakers called their films from the start. In other words, movies are stuck with the titles their owners gave them at the time of their theatrical release. Use your better judgment to apply the above rule to any series/films not mentioned.

4. Films that start with a number are filed under the first letter of their number's word. So, 12 Monkeys would be filed under 'T.'

5. Link back to Blog Cabins in your post so that [Fletch] can eventually type 'alphabet meme' into Google and come up #1, then make a post where [Fletch] declares that [he is] the King of Google.

6. If you're selected, you have to then select 5 more people.""

So here goes!

A is for Adam And Steve
B is for Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss
C is for Constantine.
D is for Dogma
E is for East Side Story
F is for Fantastic Four
G is for Girl Next Door
H is for The Houseboy
I is for It's My Party
J is for Jeffrey
K is for Kiss Me, Guido
L is for Latter Days
M is for The Mudge Boy
N is for The Next Best Thing
O is for Opposite Of Sex
P is for PS Your Cat Is Dead
Q is for Queerduck: The Movie
R is for Regular Guys
S is for Saved!
T is for Trick
U is for Under One Roof
V is for Velvet Goldmine
W is for The Wedding Banquet
X is for Xanadu
Y is for Yossi & Jagger
Z is for Zorro, The Gay Blade

Extra karma points if you guess a common theme between most of the entries on my list...

Tigger Does It Winnie Style

2008-11-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

Remember I posted a picture of Winnie The Pooh in a suggestive pose?

Well, Tigger was not to be outdone!

I will say it again: Half my blog would not exist if companies hired someone just to look at the product they were sending out or read the copy out loud!

Encinitas Trip

2008-11-04T17:11:00.001-08:00

Photobucket Album

To commorate my mother's 70th birthday (70 more! 70 more!) we drove from Phoenix to Encinitas to see the beach. I'm not sure this will interest anyone but us but here it is anyway. The blonde is my sister Janet, the brunette is my sister Leslie (called Jel by us and only us), the guy with the blue shirt is me, and the guy in shorts is the baby of our family, my brother Jim. Enjoy!

Highlight Of Encinitas Trip

2008-11-04T03:25:00.000-08:00

Me and my siblings took our mother to Encinitas to see a beach for her seventieth birthday and the trip was 87% wonderful. There was also this sign where we parked Sunday:

My biggest disappointment of the trip was not realizing this was the store we were heading for and using that way in. That way I could have honestly said that I'd been in Queen Eileen's Back Entrance...

Tiny Bubbles

2008-10-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry to all three of you that I haven't posted lately. I might be Department Manager of Toys now but that doesn't mean I have more access to whacky things. It means I have less time to notice the funny stuff at work. Some things tho' just can't be overlooked even if you are rushed off your feet.

See? It's a cute, little keychain but there are millions of them right? What makes this one special?

It's electronic bubble wrap! What kind of warped mind comes up with this stuff? Whoever it is, I want their home number!

I'm am so buying this on payday. I'll let you know what secret sounds they think go with electronic bubble wrap noises!

This Is Sad, Right?

2008-10-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

I was heading towards lunch yesterday when this product in the Pets section caught my eye.

Seriously, people? A cat pirate ship?

What's worse is that the makers think a hole in the hull makes for the perfect pirate ship. Also, when you consider how cats feel about water, a toy based on an ocean going vessel makes even less sense. Worse? Rahita, the Evil Department Manager, says it sells. Sheesh.

Jed And Jenny Tie The Knot!

2008-10-12T11:31:00.001-07:00

Photobucket Album

Yesterday, my niece, the Incredible Jenny (tm), married Jed Richmond in a beautiful ceremony that brought tears to my eyes and then everybody had a blast at the restaraunt at Aunt Chilada's. Here's nearly every picture I took all day!

Asian, Black, and White

2008-10-09T19:15:00.001-07:00

You know what? I've noticed living in Phoeniz, AZ, most people are unaware that Hispanic, specifically Mexican, is an ethnic background, not a separate race. Mexicans are as racially White as their biggest detractors. 'Course, Mexicans tend to take that as an insult as well and it's the source of some of my most fun arguments. But this? I think someone needs a remedial Grade School science class!

It's not even a race that generally self-perpetuates!

I should mention that I was gonna title this post with the scientific names for the three races but I'm not sure I want to have an argument that bad!

Three (3) Steps To Humor

2008-10-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Step One: Look at this picture of a Winnie The Pooh doll and note the position Winnie is in.

Step Two: Read the badly worded copy printed on the package.

Step Three: Feel unclean because of how funny you found that.

Naughty Sea Horses

2008-09-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Remember Sea Horses? The just add water pets?

No, this extra special second post of the day isn't to mock the wrist aquarium part (tho' that is very mock-worthy). No, it's the slogan elsewhere on the packaging:

Now that just makes me feel unclean...

Big Mo Update

2008-09-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

Remember the Big Mo candy bar?

Today I was in a Circle K and pointed the Big Mo out to a guy that worked there. He didn't get why the candy bar's name was so funny! I gave up when explaining it failed. Sometimes I despair for the younger generations in this great country of ours. I really do.

Another Very Cool Politician Name

2008-09-25T18:11:00.001-07:00

I just have one question: Is she any relation to Arnold?

They Get My Vote!

2008-09-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

There are two candidates I don't think I can resist voting for:

The only problem with this one is there's a giant flag I edited out of his header to repost it and isn't that one of the 666 signs of Republicanism? I've only voted for two previous Republicans in my nearly thrity years of voting and I'm not sure I can vote McCain and a second one. It's a shame because I want Bob Lord to win and work his way up to running for president, whereupon he will choose as his running mate Larry Savior (I made that name up. Can you tell?) and then we can have the choice of voting for Our Lord and Savior!

Mister Doody's easier on my conscience because it says Democrat right on his header! I even have a slogan for him if he likes: Do Your Duty With Doody!

BTW, show of hands how many people think my sense of humor will win out over an vestigial conscience I have left? You're probably right...

Wow, Look At The Time!

2008-09-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've been busy the last week so I've got a few things I want to post but need more time. This will have to do for now.

I know it sounds dirty but I can't put my finger on it. All that comes to mind is the number of boobjobs you see in Scotsdale, AZ. Ever see a grandma with a rack you could use as a bookshelf? I hope to god you never do...

A Candy Bar Named After Me!

2008-09-16T13:48:00.001-07:00

It's not from Wal*Mart (yes, I know it's technically Walmart now but I'm calling 'fishcakes') but I saw a candy bar so funny in Circle K that I had to buy it despite being over budget already this week!

Do I even need to make the joke? Oh, okay: My suggestion for the advertising slogan for this candy bar is 'Put a Big Mo in your mouth'. Happy? See what you made me do?

Heh, heh, heh...

Funnier Even Than The 20" Boys Intruder!

2008-09-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

I was stocking today and I've never been so glad that Walmart has rules against having beverages on the floor. I would have done a spit take if I'd been drinking when I opened a box and saw this product:

Now I hear your question: There are plenty of fairy themed products. What makes this one so special? Let me show. The copy on the packaging is what truly makes this so hysterical:

Okay, that was a softball. Amusing but no spit take. I suspect I'm getting a grin in cyberland and no one has had to wipe soda off of their monitors yet. What about these two variations on the same basic sentence:

Frankly, I find the second one funnier. You don't just get a fairy. You get a secret fairy. It's like my high school years all over again! And now for the biggie:

Oh my god! That just kills me! Has the person who wrote this never had any gay friends? Heck, has he ever heard of gay people? How did this get all the way down the line without anyone at the company cracking up laughing and saying 'No. Just no.' I almost wish they ahd because this is the first Whacky Product I actually bought. My phone couldn't do to Fairy Hearts justice with the pictures I took with it so I needed to get the package home to scan it.

Oh, and one final grin. The makers of Fairy Hearts?

Seriously, I am cracking up reading this. Go out and buy your own Fairy Hearts just so they keep printing crap like that!

Oh and I just had a thought: Do you suspect my repeated mention of the bike 20" Boys Intruder is frustrating Michael Jackson and the like when Google brings them here? Ugh. I might have to look for a new bike to hype...

Piggy Style

2008-09-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

I was straightening up the product on the shelves before doing anything else today when I came across the stuffed animal that gives this post its name:

I swear I didn't put the pig in that position but you have to know by now I didn't move it out of it either!

Oh, and in the interests of full disclosure I should admit that this animal is by the same company that makes the 12 Inch Soft Friends. This line looks to be eight to ten inches tops...

Multi Culturalism

2008-09-06T04:17:00.000-07:00

Does this sound Japanese to you? It does to me. In fact, now that this has been loosed on the internet I fully expect there to be a Japanese TV show by this name on the air within months. I will be waiting for my royalty checks...

Lifts AND Separates!

2008-08-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I found a really cool box when stocking bike accessories today*. The abbreviation they used just conjured up so many cool images for us.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that Speedo is somehow Bell's on the shipping box abbreviation for speedometer. It also illustrates why I think every company should have one employee whose only job is to read everything the company prints out loud. 'Course, that would have put an end to the Twenty Inch Boys Intruder but no plan's perfect!

Now, out at the smoking table we got to talking about the wireless Speedo and it got us thinking about the Speedo with wires. That'd be like an underwire bra, don't you think? We pretty much decided that an underwire Speedo would probably sell quite well.

* My boss announced today that we are now calling the Bike Accessories area the Ass Section. I didn't understand why and forgot to ask but it just sounds too cool not to go along with...

Not Your Year

2008-08-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

The Weepies taught me I could still cry after answering a survey and discovering I couldn't remember the last time I had. Enjoy. Or not.

This May Be The Funniest Product Name Ever!

2008-08-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so not ever. The twenty inch Boy's Intruder still wins that race. Oh, and the Worm Blower beats this one (and maybe the Ball Popper). Anywho, here's what I rang someone up for the other day:

Butt Paste! That's not just a description of the product but its freaking name! Me and the customer got a good laugh out of that. And BTW, she swears it's the greatest thing she's ever found for diaper rash if you need that kind of remedy.

Oh, as an aside, I sent my niece, the Incredible Jenny (tm), a picture text of this product from work the day I took this picture. She texted me back to say she thinks her boss uses it on her face.

(Hint: The Incredible Jenny (tm) doesn't really care for her boss!)

I've Been shudder Tagged

2008-08-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you sea_of_green for this opportunity to go so far outside my comfort zone that I can't see it with SpyGear's owl themed set of binoculars. I had to find my favorite post (not favorite post of mine as I first thought but of someone else's. I'm Irish, after all) and that's not easy because I visit forty-four blogs every day (forty-five on Sunday). Not every one posts every day or that would be unmanageable even with my having no life but that does mean I've visited one hell of a lot of posts.
So I started looking over the lists, deleting those that post mostly, um, pictures and those that are novelty acts. Then it hit me.
There's this blog called Armagideon Time (a Clash reference, I gather) which combines music links, comics talk, smart talk about topics that interest its writer, bitterandrew, and sometimes painful self-examination and memories.
My favorite post was one where bitterandrew described how his life and the life of a stray cat intersected for a time. I was seriously moved by how the man accidentally revealed what a good soul he is in this post. Hat's off to the man and the link to the post is below for anyone else who cares to be similarly moved. Or find final proof their heart is made up of stone. Whatever.
The link to both sea_of_green's Hoosier journal of inanity and Armagideon Time's wonderful post are below but you have to cut and paste to use them and again I'd like to apologize to my two loyal readers that I am still unable to do that link HTML where you imbed it in a picture or typeface.
http://hoosierinanity.blogspot.com/ is to sea_of_green's blog and the wonderful post of Armagideon Time is at http://armagideontime.blogspot.com/2008/06/without-feeling-fine.html.

Edit: Oh, yeah. I guess I have to tag five others but I'll just have to say who they are since I have that whoel HTML handicap: Armagideon Time, Legion Omnicon, (postmodernbarney.com), Mightygodking.com, and Comics Make No Sense. I've been meaning to update the link list on the right for the while so I guess this is my chance!

Companion Post To Below

2008-08-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

This toy just seems like a perfect compliment to the one below, doesn't it?

The Joke Kinda Writes Itself

2008-08-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

All I will say is that happy, these friends must be scary!

Which Twins?

2008-08-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

This week's People magazine has been an endless source of amusement for me since I noticed the cover.

I have to keep reminding myself that what they're referring to in the big letters are the children. My mind just automatically assumes they mean the two reasons that account f0r much of Angelina's cinematic success!

My Customers Are As Warped As I Am

2008-08-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

I love my customers sometimes (and I don't just mean the hot ones who dress appropriately for the weather in Phoenix during August). Below is a picture of an evil looking baby doll someone added a bumper sticker to.

Now this is the line of baby dolls I call the Evil Cannibal Baby Line (tm). The makers disagree and call it something else. I think the bumper sticker is oddly appropriate and here's a close up of it:

Yes, Metallica VS The Cannibal Baby! Sounds like a great plot for an indie flick, eh?

I just remembered that I had a picture that's a close up of the face of another doll in the Cannibal Baby Line (tm):

I dare you to tell me that baby doesn't look like it wants to eat your face!

For August Muxtape Click On This Here Title

2008-08-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

Know what? HTML is evil. Break out the pitchforks and the torches and alert the angry mob. Again I tried to figure out how to put a link in an image and again I failed. Check out August's Muxtape by clicking on the title itself. Maybe by the time September rolls around I'll have figured out how it works...

Mads Wolffbrandt Is Good

2008-08-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

Would you believe I only learned of this song from reading a Sunday edition of Mary Worth? Someone online noticed that the lyrics scripted from singers Mary and her love slave were watching matched I Gotta Have You by The Weepies. Why then isn't it the one posted? 'Cause this guy manages to be faithful and bring his own personality and I was impressed that the simple video and simple guitar work could move me as much as the original.

It's Been Six Days So It's Something Lame Or Wait Until Tomorrow

2008-08-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Two things come to mind right away:
A) Absolutely no one in this company said the hair care product's name out loud before getting it into stores and...
2} This is soooo not a product name that appeals to me.

This Is Probably Only Funny To Me

2008-07-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is some Pokemon character. It's part of an assortment of plushes we sell. Which Pokemon isn't important (or I might have read the tag to find out) but rather the bottom of this POkemon is.

Is it just me or have the makers of this Pokemon plush not only given this guy an anus but a dirty one at that? I'm all for realism in plushes but that takes it just a wee little step too far, don't you think?

Littlest Pet Shop Of Horrors

2008-07-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hasbro's vendor, The Amazing Shirly (tm) showed me a picture on her phone of Littlest Pet Shop's latest offering and we were both reduced to stunned laughter. Here is a picture of the whole package:

You see, with these you get a little animal figure and some sort of accessory. It's the accessory that's so damn funny!

It's a little pooper scooper and plastic poop! LPS is selling plastic poop! OMG, I can barely type I'm laughing again.

What's scary is what can they do to top this? The mind boggles...

Branching Out

2008-07-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, technically this has nothing to do with the weird stuff I find at my job but it is a headline from a newspaper that was in the break room. I squeak by on a technicality!

Oh, and at first I wondered if this was an intentionally humorous headline or the writer and editor are just clueless. Then I remembered that it was in the Arizona Republic where being clueless is a requirement to be eligible for hiring.

Wrong On SO-O-O-O-O Many Levels. Part Deux

2008-07-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

Remember this picture?

I still haven't figure out who in their right mind would think this was a good name for a boy's bike. Well, guess what?

Yep, the bike finally came in!

The other day I even heard a mom talking with her husband, debating what bike to buy junior, and when she mentioned The Intruder, I had to leave the floor because I had to laugh so hard I almost collapsed and I know I'd have had to explain to people watching. Now, I just have one wish. I want the following bike to come in too so I can put it on the rack next to The Intruder.

It'd be a match made somewhere other than heaven, don't you think?

Painful Products

2008-07-15T21:17:00.001-07:00

Oddly enough, this is not a big seller. Go figure, huh?

Kitchen Fun

2008-07-13T04:49:00.000-07:00

It says on the package that it's a steamer basket but does anyone else look at this display and instantly think 'valkyrie'?

Stretching For A Laugh

2008-07-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

Are they calling Department 20 a bunch of doormats? I'd say so. Department 7 too because after I got done all my own work there I took care of two of Department 20's carts. Or maybe 'Department 7 Schmucks' would be more appropriate.

Rachelle Deserves Better!

2008-07-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

There's this really cool comics related blog called Living Between Wednesdays by Canadian Rachelle Goguen (there's a link on my link list) that has a really cute banner.

See? Cute, right? Well, the thing is it doesn't do her justice. Rachelle has posted pics of a recent trip to a convention and she is one hundred times cuter than that cartoon. And for a gay man to say that when he isn't after anything, it has to be true. So, I took one of the posted pics and added the name of her blog.

Much better but seeing as how I don't have PhotoShop or anything, she still deserves better. I just wanted to get my picture out there on the Interwebs...

BTW, I thought the Ren 'N' Stimpy font was just too good to pass up.

Worms Need Love Too

2008-07-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Do I really even have to make a joke?

BTW, fisherman seem to be absolutely clueless about what a double entendre is. Browse any fishing section of any store and see what I mean.

A Sign

2008-06-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

The department this sign was in just caused us to lose a contest where we could have gotten 4.5 grand towards our Christmas party this year. Instead, we have to give the winning store $500 towards the 4.5 grand. Maybe we should have been paying attention to the signs that this department was going to be trouble...

Wal*Mart Really Does Have Everything!

2008-06-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'll take two please!

It's Not Just Products At Work

2008-06-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

There's also some other things at work that just look wrong. Here's the front view of the kiddie ride featuring Tom and Jerry.

Doesn't seem that bad but you get an inkling from the look on Jerry's face.

Annnnd here's where it just starts looking dirty and we now know why Jerry looks so happy...

Unfortunate Choice Of Words

2008-06-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

The picture below is of a product that can be used to stuff your own teddy bears and things like that. Sounds harmless and fun?

It is until you see the slogan they have below the name of the product...

Um, okay. Not sure if I have any friends that would allow that. It's not in the pictures but below the slogan (in two additional languages) is a pile of white stuff. Did no one at this company read the copy out loud before approving this?

Two Things

2008-06-22T04:27:00.001-07:00

A) I just learned this morning that the movie Grease was released in Venezuela under the name Vaselina. That is just so very wrong.

2) On this past week's So You Think You Can Dance, I not only correctly predicted all three of the bottom three couples, I also picked which of those three would be booted off. I'm not getting older, I'm getting gayer...

Icky Name #812

2008-06-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

It's not just a cat. It's not just a cat dump or even a cat's mini dump. It's a six inch cat mini dump. If six inches is a mini, I don't think I want to see a medium or large one.

Design Flaw

2008-06-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

You know what? I can no longer use the water fountain at work. It was bad enough when I realized what the shape reminded me of but then I got a good look at it with water coming out of it. Disturbing, right?

I won't even get to when I was working overnight for a week and watching what Shelly and Summer did with it...

Bad Kitty

2008-06-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Now here's the deal: There are these evil dolls at work that are motion sensitive cats that meow when you walk by. Sound cute and adorable? Sure, when you bring only one home. Imagine having to walk past a good dozen of them as part of your job every day and hear a good dozen meows all slightly out of synch. I think Dante could use that one as a level of hell in Dante's Inferno 2: Electric Bugaloo! Anywho, one of these cats' battery ran out and I think the way it froze is hysterical!

Does this cat look stoned or what? Now I can take the few other cats meowing at me as I go by because I'm too busy laughing at the stoner kitty in their midst!

VERY Friendly Associates!

2008-06-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Now these are the kinds of coworkers I've always wanted!

Wrong On SO-O-O-O-O Many Levels

2008-06-13T05:49:00.000-07:00

This is the name of an actual bike, although I've never seen it in the store. We just have the fact tag. What can I add to the post title besides: Ow!

Whacky Products Highjinx

2008-06-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

I work at Wal*Mart now and worked at Fry's Marketplace before that and have had the opportunity to turn my camera phone on all sorts of WTF products and slogans. Today I start occasionally posting the ones I likes best...

Cute little baby doll, right? I wonder what it says on the sticker in her crotch...

'Press Here, I Kiss'? I've known many a gal who lives by this philosophy and now I know why! They got a baby doll just like this that taught them it was the way to go. Bad, baby doll! Bad!

And I Don't Even Eat Vegetables

2008-05-28T09:37:00.001-07:00

Mary Tyler Moore and Michael Ausiello Have My Vote for the

My Muxtape

2008-04-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm HTML impaired so the link to the twelve inaugural songs I chose is in the title, not the picture. I hope to someday figure out that whole link thing but I also hoped for flying cars and daily sex so it might also be a vain hope.

A Lick Of Frost (SpOiLeRs)

2007-10-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Let me start this off by saying that Laurel K Hamilton's husband is either the luckiest man on Earth or the unluckiest. It all depends on whether she uses him for research for her books or her entire sex drive is channelled into her books. If it's the former than the man is very sore but with a permanent smile on his face. If it's the latter than the poor schmuck only gets to read about the glorious things his wife comes up with.

That out of the way, Lick Of Frost is my favorite Merry Gentry book yet. It's not the best. That distinction goes to either the first or second book in the series but LOF is the first book since then with any serious plot or character movement since then. It's been sex, sex, sex, a little upping of power levels for random characters, and then sex, sex, sex. Maybe I'm just not the target audience for the sex part being a gay male. To her credit, the unrelenting straight sex does make more sense over here than in the Anita Blake books. Since Merry was trying to conceive, any other form of sex would be counter-productive. That's even covered in the stories. Over in the Anita Blake series even the gay characters (what few there are) have breeder sex with Anita. I suspect Ms Hamilton doesn't really understand what it is that makes gay men gay. If she reads this let me take a moment to explain it: Gay men have sex with men. I'll give a slight pass because of the whole mystic aphrodisiac aspect of Anita's curse but the aftermath should be about the same as having unwanted sex forced on you.

Anywho, there really isn't a character featured in LOF that doesn't have their character advanced in some way (negatively in a few cases) and the plot has finally hit the point where things are interesting again. I'm not happy with how Hamilton got rid of one of the two main contenders for Merry's heart but it works within the context of the story and fairly legend as well. Heck, even the parentage of the long awaited child (see? That's a spoiler despite my dislike of actually putting any in things I write) makes sense from fairy legend. It solves a lot of the problems about the Royal Consort and where some favorite characters will end up should Merry actually have the kid (and that's in about twenty years at the glacial pace the books are moving in). I even loved the bits where Andais backslid a whole lot. It added drama but it also made a lot of sense when it comes to the character's through line. It also acted as a good counterpoint to Taranis. Andais hates most everything about Merry and the deal she has had to broker with her mortal niece. Andais loves the Unseelie Court more than her own dark needs and wants and ensuring its fertility and survival means more to her than seeing her beloved son on the throne or Merry's death and/or torture. Love or hate her character, Andais is a queen in every sense of the word. Taranis, king of the Seelie Court, is her opposite in every way. He cares for himself and his position above all else. If Andais discovered she were infertile and thus poisoning the Unseelie is there any doubt she would have stepped down then and there? Taranis' actions continue to get darker as he tries to hide the fact he is probably dooming the Seelie Court. I liked the fact that the return of magic to the courts has singled out the madman as an oathbreaker (one of the true sins of Fairy) and is punishing him on its own. Good writing all around, Ms Hamilton.

Have you given up on the Merry books as Fairy how to books about sex? I implore you to pick this up post haste. Have you been anywhere between deliriously happy and tolerant with the past few books? Lick Of Frost is your reward and then some. You owe it to yourself to read this book but I have no doubt you already have.

Now bring on the Jason book and the next installments for both Anita and Merry. My love for Laurel K Hamilton's writing has been rewarded and my longing for a new book from her has been recharged like never before!

Embarrassing Admission Concerning Essential Defenders Volume Two

2007-08-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

You know, I can't remember more than three of my twelve nieces and nephews birthdays. I don't recall an incident with a coworker where he tricked me into giving him forty dollars of gift cards at all. I constantly walk out to the kitchen and then wonder why I did it. My memory is THAT bad yet when I was reading Essential Defenders Volume Two yesterday and got to the second to last story, a fill in story done Defenders 30 and done very badly. It had a Maggia chieftain with delusions of adequacy who put the Defenders in a death trap that included robots that danced and sang show tunes while they killed you. The embarrassing admission was that I knew the name of the villain of the story before he appeared. THAT I can remember but not the stuff I listed above? Yikes.

Spider-Man's Ghetto

2007-07-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

I was at the Marvel Universe Board today at Alvaro's ComicBoards.com and came across a very interesting Poll question posted. It was POLL: Are you a Spidey fan whose sole Spidey book is New Avengers? posted by Blue Beetle. It was a very interesting question because it made me think of something that I hadn't even realized until a few months ago. Namely, that for a flagship title, Spider-Man the character just wasn't very important to the Marvel Universe in general.

Amazing Spider-Man and the various spin-offs through the years may be bread and butter for Marvel in the same way a Romance Section alone can keep a bookstore afloat but he wasn't very integrated into the Marvel Universe as a whole. I started thinking of Spider-Man's place for the first thirty-some years and realized he's been pretty much confined to the Spider-Ghetto.

Think about it. As much as anyone might enjoy the character (and I have even through the years that I never bought any Spider-Title) there wasn't a lot of cause and effect between his books and anyone else's. Sure, thanks to Marvel Team-Up there's a lot of characters that have fought alongside Peter Parker but no one really close. Or if they were close to him, like Daredevil, it was only in a Spider-Title that the relationship existed. That all began to change with New Avengers #1.
Now we see Spider-Man developing lasting relationships between himself and the other team members. He moved into Avengers Tower. Heck, Tony Stark even became a bit of a father figure for Peter and these are all things that wouldn't be possible if he weren't on the Avengers lineup now. And you know what? I like the changes!

Also, with the other Spider-Titles about to be folded into a thrice weekly Amazing Spider-Man it looks like the Spider-Ghetto might be a thing of the past and I say good riddance! I didn't even realize it was bothering me that Spidey wasn't a major player inside the MU until that day walking out of Atomic Comics but it sure is sweet that he is one now!

Of course, that still leaves the Defenders Ghetto and the X-Ghetto to tear down but one step at a time, deal?

Oh, and an afterthought: I look at the Marvel Universe being an Avengers World with the ghettos as adjuncts but there's one title I can't place: The Fantastic Four. They are definitely separate from the Avengers titles but not so disconnected as to be considered ghettoized. Any thoughts?

Things I Don't Get #812

2007-07-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

This one boggles my mind: We live in a world where DC cannot legally use the name 'Superboy', a character based off of its flagship character, but Marvel can freely use Bug in the Star-Lord mini. Bug was a character created for a toy tie-in that Marvel has not been associated with in years and hasn't the rights too. Weird world we live in, people.